These questions about Australia were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and obviously the answers came from a fellow Aussie....

1. Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow?(UK)
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

2. Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street?(USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.

3. Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney- can Ifollow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water. . .

4. Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden)
A: So its true what they say about Swedes.

5. Q: It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places to contact for a stuffed porpoise.(Italy)
A: Let's not touch this one.

6. Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and HerveyBay? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?

7. Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the pacific which does not ...oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.

8. Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 90 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

9. Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

10. Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is. .... oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

11. Q: Do you have perfume in Australia? (France)
A: No, WE don't stink.

12. Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

13. Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK)
A: You are a British politician, right?

14. Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.

15. Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia?(France)
A: Only at Christmas.

16. Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter gatherers. Milk is illegal.

17. Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.

18. Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

19. Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? (USA)
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.

20. Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.

J'avoue j'ai bien rigolé

une petite remarque cependant:


Y'a moyen qu'il trouve jamais le nord en effet...

J'adore!!! Y'en a plus?

Oui, oui, encore...
On m'en a raconte une sympa et veridique, lors des jeux olympiques, un couple d'americains s'est presente chez un loueur de voiture en disant :
Voila, on voudrait louer une voiture pour quelques heures car on voudrait faire le tour de votre ile !!!

Hi
Another one

The LAPD, the FBI and the CIA were all trying to prove that they were the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes into the forest. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations, they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

The LAPD goes in. They come out just two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay, okay, I'm a rabbit, I'm a rabbit."

John Howard hears about this and decides it's a great idea. He releases a rabbit into a forest just outside Canberra, and gets some of Australia's finest law-enforcement agencies to try and catch it.

The Victorian police go in. After 15 minutes they return with a koala, a kangaroo and a tree fern, all shot dead. "They all look like dangerous rabbits - we had to act in self defence" is their explanation.

The NSW police go in. Surveillance tapes later reveal top-ranking officers and rabbits dancing naked around a gum tree, stoned out of their brains.

The Queensland police go in. Two hours later, they are seen driving out in brand new Mercedes, scantily-clad young rabittettes draped all over them. The Queensland premier congratulates them on maintaining traditional values.

ASIO go into the wrong forest................

Ok the last one for today

We love Sydney because ...

You make over $100,000 per year and still can't afford a house.

You never bother looking at the train timetable because you know the drivers have never seen it.

You order organic fruit and vegies online, but eat out every night anyway.

You spent more money on your coffee machine than on your washing machine.

You spend $400+ per week for your room in an apartment with stunning harbour/beach views and European Appliances; and then spend a total of 40 hours each week there (of which 37 are spent sleeping).

You spend 30 minutes in a traffic jam next to a car with more power to its speakers than its wheels.

You know everyone's e-mail and mobile number but not their last name or home address.

You can roll sushi, make pasta and keep your red curry paste recipe under lock and key...but couldn't roast a chicken to save your life.

Your taxi driver was a micro-surgeon before he moved to Australia

Your co-worker tells you he/she has 8 body piercings but none are visible.

You can't remember....is dope illegal?

You've been to more than one baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor.

You have a very strong opinion where your coffee beans are grown and can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian.

A really great parking space can move you to tears.

You are thinking of taking an adult class but you can't decide between yoga, aromatherapy, conversational Italian or building your own website.

A man in full leather regalia and crotchless chaps gets on the bus and you don't notice.

You are genuinely surprised when you meet someone who was actually born in Sydney (but then, they are Swiss/Thai/Brazilian).

Your hairdresser is straight, your plumber is gay and your Avon Lady is a drag queen.

Nice WE all of you

I couldn't wait for that one

Why do Aussies make love so quickly?

They can't wait to get down to the pub and tell their mates about it.

Salut Erick, now how did I just KNOW that you were responsible for these jokes before I opened the post?

Nice ones!

Reminds me, time to go post some 'noir' French jokes from this week's Alliance Francaise soiree

Kate

Un Américain se rend dans une ferme australienne. Il demande aux fermiers:
"- Je voudrais 500 kg de laine de mouton pour la semaine prochaine, je paie cash cinq mille dollars!"
Les fermiers, bien ennuyés, se demandent comment remplir la commande d'autant plus que la tonte à déjà été faite. Mais pour 5000 dollars ... Ils décident donc de refaire la tonte et rasent de très très près les moutons.
Hélas, il manque 1 kg pour faire les 500 kg. Qu'à cela ne tienne, ils rasent le pépé qui dormait dans son coin et remplissent leur commande.
Les 5000 dollars en poche, ils font le tour de l'Australie. à leur retour, ils s'aperçoivent que le pépé est au sommet du toit de la ferme.
"- Qu'est-ce que tu fais là haut, l'pépé ?
- L'américain est repassé, il voulait une douzaine d'oeufs ...
- Et alors ?
- Il n'y en a que dix !"

Super
J'imagine la scène

Salut ESZ,

En fait, la plupart de ces balgues sont deja sur le forum: la, la et la.

Celine

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOPS
Sorry

J'ai controlé ( j'espère assez bien ) et je n'ai pas trouvé celle là

FEW WORDS

"I'm a man of few words."

"Yeah, I'm married, too."