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  European Union proposes changes to silly English language
Message Publié : 18 Juil 2003 12:51 
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(Les changes proposee par le E.U. pour la langue d’anglais).
(To read the text below, you must concentrate on reading as sounds, rather than words, but I guess some of you use English phonetically anyway...I have friends in Switzerland who write english quite like it is given below!)

Having chosen English as the preferred language in the E.U., the European Parliament has commissioned a feasibility study in ways of improving efficiency in communications among government departments.

European officials have pointed out that English spelling is unnecessarily difficult. (L’orthograph d’anglais est trop difficile) Par exemple:
Cough, plough, here, hear, bow, bough, through and thorough.
What is clearly needed is a phased program of changes to iron out these problems.
The program would be administered by a committee of top-level staff chosen by different nations.

In the first year, for example, the committee might suggest using ‘s’ instead of the soft ‘c’.
Sertainly, sivil servants in all sities would resieve this news with joy. The hard ‘c’ could then be replased by ‘k’ sinse both letters are pronounsed alike.
This would not only klear up konfusion in the minds of klerikal workers, but typewriters and keyboards kould be made with one less letter, a signifikant saving.

In the second year, bekause of growing enthusiasm, it kould be announsed that the troublesome ‘ph’ would henseforth be written ‘f’. This would make words like ‘fotograf’ twenty persent shorter in print.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reash the stage where more komplikated shanges are possible. Governments would enkourage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

We would al agre that the horible mes of silent ‘e’s’ in the languag is disgrasful. Therefor, we kould drop thes and kontinu to read and writ as though nothing had hapend.

By this time it would be 4 years sins the skem began and people would be reseptiv to steps sush as replasing ‘th’ by ‘z’. Perhaps zen ze funktion of ‘w’ kould be taken on by ‘v’, vitsh is, after al, half a ‘w’.

Finaly, ze unesesary ‘o’ kuld be dropd from vords kontaining ‘ou’. Similar arguments vud of kors be aplid to ozer konbinations of leters. Kontinuing ziz proses yer aftr yer, ve vud eventuli hav a reli sensibl riten stil.

Aftr tventi yers zer vud be no mor trubls or difikultis and evrion vud fin it ezi tu enderstan esh ozer. Ze drems of ze EU vud finali kum tru.

Ve kud finali understan esh ozer.

***Extra notes for those who get confused reading it after several tries (i.e., including English speakers! Il faut que vous le lisez plusieurs fois pour le comprendre).

D’accord: Le blague:
L’E.U. voudrait faire changer de langue anglais pour que il devenir plus simple pour toutes les Europeans....

Annee 1: Beaucoup des mots avait le son exactement le meme, mais ils sont utilise plutot different - i.e., here, hear, bow, bow.
Change 1: utilise ‘s’ pour ‘c’.
Change 2: change cet ‘c’ pour un ‘k’

Annee 2: changer le probleme ‘ph’ pour un ‘f’. C’est plus court aussi.

Annee 3: les doubles “ll” “cc” “rr” seront maintenant singulier.
Aussi, les ‘e’s’ qui n’a pas un son, serait supprime

Annee 4: changer les “th” pour “z”
Changer les “W” pour “v”
Avec “ou” - supprimer les ‘o’

Annee 20: Maintenant, il n'ya pas de problemes.

Mais, pour moi, maintenant ce langue est comme l’allemand! C'est drole et bizarre!

The last few lines, which get very difficult to read, I give also in normal english:
“Finally, the unnecessary ‘o’ could be dropped from words containing ‘ou’. Similar arguments would of course be applied to other combinations of letters. Continuing this process, year after year, we would eventually have a really sensible written style.
After 20 years, there would be no more trouble or difficulties and everyone would find it easy to understand each other. The dreams of the E.U. would finally come true.
We could finally understand each other.!!!

Si c’est trop difficile, j’ai une autre pour vous!......

The Crazy English Language (La langue d’anglais, c’est fou!) You'll also need to read this one several times....

Lets face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nore pine in pineapple. English muffins weren’t invented in England, or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren’t sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes (its opposites), we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square, and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea, nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don’t fing, grocers don’t groce, and hammers don’t ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn’t the plural of booth, beeth?. One goose, 2 geese. So one loose tooth, 2 leese teeth (but of course it doesn’t work like that.). One index, but 2 indices.

Doesn’t it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend, that you can comb through annals of history but not a SINGLE annal? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn’t a preacher praught, instead of preach? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? If you wrote a letter, perhaps you bote your tongue?

Sometimes I think that all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play, and play at a recital? Ship by truck, and send cargo or a truck by ship? Have noses that run (when you have a cold) and feet that smell? Park on driveways and drive on parkways? Lift a thumb to thumb a lift ?(=hitchhike) Table a plan in order to plan a table?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and wise guy are opposites?
How can overlook and oversee be opposites, while quite a lot and quite a few are alike? How can a person be ‘pretty ugly’? (as in fairly ugly)

How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell another. Have you noticed that we talk about certain things only when they are absent? Have you ever seen a horseful carriage (no, it’s always horse-less) or a strapful gown? (no, always strapless). Met a sung hero or experienced requited love? Have you ever run into someone who was gruntled, ruly, or peccable? (No, disgruntled, unruly and impeccable) And where are all those people who ARE spring chickens or who would ACTUALLY hurt a fly?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out, where you have to first chop (cut) a tree down in order to cut it up (into pieces) and in which an alarm clock goes off by going on (sounding = going off).
Why is ‘crazy man’ and insult, while to insert a comma and say ‘crazy, man!’ is a compliment (as when applauding at a performance). English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race (which, of course, isn’t a race at all). That’s why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.

And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I end it.

(Don’t worry if this is completely confusing! It often has that effect on English speakers too, making them stop and think about how crazy their own language is).

Message Publié : 18 Juil 2003 13:51 
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Now my brain is dead !

Just wanted to give you the same kind in french so you can see what it is like:

La Commission européenne a finalement tranché : après la monnaie unique, l'Union européenne va se doter d'une langue unique, à savoir... le français.
Trois langues étaient en compétition : Le français (parlé dans le plus grand nombre de pays de l'Union), l'allemand (parlé par le plus grand nombre d'habitants de l'Union) et l'anglais (langue internationale par excellence). L'anglais a vite été éliminé, pour deux raisons : l'anglais aurait été le cheval de Troie économique des Etats-Unis et les Britanniques ont vu leur influence limitée au profit du couple franco-allemand à cause de leur réticence légendaire à s'impliquer dans la construction européenne. Le choix a fait l'objet d'un compromis, les Allemands ayant obtenu que l'orthographe du français, particulièrement délicate à maîtriser soit réformée, dans le cadre d'un plan de cinq ans, afin d'aboutir à l'euro français. Voici les détails de ce changement...

1. La première année, les sons actuellement distribués entre " s ", " z ", " c ", " k " et " q " seront répartis entre " z " et " k ", ze ki permettra de zupprimer beaukoup de la konfuzion aktuelle.

2. La deuzième année, on remplazera le " ph " par " f ", ze ki aura pour effet de rakourzir un mot komme " fotograf " de kelke vingt pour zent.

3. La troizième année, des modifikazions plus draztikes seront pozzibles, notamment ne plus redoubler les lettres ki l'étaient ; touz ont auzi admis le prinzip de la zuprezion des " e " muets, zourz éternel de konfuzion, en efet, tou kom d'autr letr muet.

4. La katrièm ané, les gens zeront devenu rézeptif à dé changements majeurs, tel ke remplazé 'g', zoi par " ch ", avek le " j ", zoi par " k ", zelon les ka, ze ki zimplifira davantach l'ékritur de touz.

5. Duran la zinkièm ané, le " b " zera remplazé par le " p " et le " v " zera lui auzi apandoné au profi du " f ", éfidamen, on kagnera ainzi pluzieur touch zur no klafié. Un foi ze plan de zink an achefé, l'ortograf zera defenu lochik, et lé chen pouron ze komprendr et komuniké.


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